


(Give up, give in) Check the grin you're in love

by tastinglove



Category: Hollyoaks
Genre: 5+1 Things, Feelings Realization, M/M, Missing Scene, Relationship Discussions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-15
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-15 07:19:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13026030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tastinglove/pseuds/tastinglove
Summary: Alternatively titled: 5 times people realize how fond James is of Harry, plus 1 time he realizes it himself.





	1. Tony

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with some more Jarry.
> 
> Title from the lyrics of 'I won't say I'm in love' - Disney's Hercules (1997)

It was after a busy shift at the restaurant, after both of them had thrown aside their uniforms and aprons to get comfortable at home. Harry didn’t mind waiting tables, he was sociable enough and liked working alongside people he knew. Today though...that particular circumstance had soured his entire mood. Since Ste had found out about the whole James and money situation...things had been more than tense. And awkward, so god damn awkward. And now...he was pretty sure his dad had figured out James was the person he had slept with. Their walk back home had been quiet, out of the corner of his eyes he had seen Tony opening his mouth several times as if to say something but in the end no words were shared.

 

Now he was playing on his phone as Tony heated up some of yesterday’s lasagne leftovers and the radio filled the living room with a variety of borderline obnoxious chart songs.

 

“You know“, Tony’s voice finally disrupted the air between them, „I don’t know if it’s wrong for me to say this but I think I get why you did it.“

 

He looked up from the screen over to his dad, standing at the kitchen island with a towel in his hands. His forehead was wrinkled, as if he had been thinking about what to say for far too long.

 

“What?”, his own voice came out more hoarse than he anticipated. He simply could not believe what his own dad had just said. Did he know about the ten thousand pounds as well? Is that why he said that he understood the situation? Harry couldn’t think of anything worse than his father knowing about him sleeping with an older guy for money.

 

The microwave beeped and Tony sighed before getting out their food and plating it. He quickly carried it over to the dining table and looked like he was about to sit down to dig in, already pulling out his chair but then abruptly pushing it back in. He walked over to him sitting on the couch, grabbed his phone and put it on the coffee table infront of them.

 

“Look Harry, I’m aware you might not want to talk to me about this and that I’m certainly not the best role model when it comes to fidelity in relationships..” Harry couldn’t help but scoff. Obviously he didn’t know all the details about Tony’s dating history, but he knew enough to know that he didn’t want a lecture from him about cheating.

 

“Hey”, Tony said almost offendedly. They stared at eachother for a moment before he continued. “Anyway, as I was saying, while I obviously don’t condone it because that would singlehandedly make me worst father of the year…A part of me gets why you did what you did.” Harry was baffled once more.

 

“Don’t stare at me like that. It’s just…the way James was looking at you today.”, Tony explained further, gesticulating absentmindedly with his hands. “You know, like you were the most precious thing in the whole room. And that’s saying a lot, considering the large tip he left for you.” He couldn’t help but blush at this. Both at the insinuation of James leaving money for him again and also at the thought of James’ eyes on him. He had felt captivated by their beautiful color ever since he had met him and couldn’t deny the intense satisfaction every time he held their attention.

 

“Dad, I..”

 

“All I’m saying is that I can’t really blame you for giving in to whatever tempted you. If someone looked at me like that, hell, I don’t know what _I_ would do. I know you and Ste have been going through a lot and I can only imagine what it must have felt like to have someone else, someone new, come in and show you affection.” Harry kept his head down. In a weird way, he appreciated his dad trying to cheer him up instead of playing the responsible parent and giving him a metaphorical slap on the wrist for acting like a dick towards his boyfriend…or rather ex boyfriend now.

 

“It still doesn’t excuse what I did.”, he managed to whisper out. He did feel bad for hurting Ste despite the other hurting him as well plenty of times before that. Two wrongs didn't make a right and all that. When things between them were good, they were really good…but then when they were bad, they were also really _really_ bad. It wasn’t sustainable and maybe that’s why they had ended up here after all.

 

“He told me to make sure you were okay, you know?” His head snapped up quickly. Did he hear correctly just now? He licked his lips and tried to find out if there was some sort of joke or mirth hidden in Tony’s expression.

 

“What?”

 

“Yeah, after Ste left and you had disappeared back into the kitchen to clean up. He came over and basically told me to check up on you. He seemed a bit worried.” Harry had to avert his eyes again. He could feel the heat rising on his cheeks just thinking about James caring about him like that. This thing between them kept getting harder and harder to ignore and at this point it almost felt wrong to just label it as simple lust and attraction. Not that he would ever admit that out loud.

 

It was quiet for a few strange moments and he just wanted this conversation to be over with for now.

 

“I think dinner is getting co-“

 

“Do you have feelings for him?” His own mouth went dry instantly at the interruption. He didn’t know how to answer that. He didn’t want to. What would be worse? Him being a horrible boyfriend and having a one time sexual affair or him doing that plus developing feelings for somebody else?

 

“It doesn’t matter.” He forced out in the end. He looked back at his dad who smiled at him with what appeared to be sympathy.

 

“Oh son…of course it does. Your feelings always matter.” He shook his head almost subconsciously. He couldn’t dare think of it like that. Wouldn’t that make him way too selfish?

 

Tony patted him on the knee twice before standing up. A lot was still unsaid but maybe that was also better for now.

 

“Let’s eat before I have to heat up the lasagne again.”


	2. Zack

It was almost Christmas. The little café him and Zack were sitting in was decorated to the brim with tinsel, bunting, candy canes, wreaths and baubels. The room smelled like all the christmassy drinks they offered combined. From minty hot chocolate to mulled wine mixed with the cinnamon rolls and fresh mince pies on the menu.

 

The last few weeks had been rough. His self-hatred had truly driven him off the rails this time. He hadn't cared how his ‘clients’ treated him anymore. After Tony had made it very clear what a low life he was, he just let all the punishment, in whatever form it came, wash over him.

 

However, things had taken a positive turn a couple of days ago when he decided that enough was enough and that the threat of getting beaten to a pulp was not something he wanted to experience again. So with a bust lip and a couple bruised ribs he turned up at James’ flat. He felt guilty after just leaving the older man again without any warning and then disappearing out of nowhere once more looking all pathetic, practically begging for his help. But James had taken him in and shown him affection and care beyond anything he had ever anticipated. He had been so careful with Harry. Cleaning up his wounds, giving him new clothes and drawing him a bath. And then also promptly offering him a place to stay – again. Harry hadn’t had it in him to refuse this time around.

 

“You have whipped cream all over your mouth.”, Zack’s voice interrupted him out of his thoughts. He quickly grabbed a napkin and wiped of the quite indeed impressive layer of cream from his upper lip.

 

“Thanks mate.”, he chuckled.

 

“No worries. You seemed a bit distracted there. Thinking hard or just trying to enjoy your drink?” They smiled at eachother. He really was glad about having Zack as his best friend. They had known each other for a while now and despite their friendship having had high and low phases, he knew he could always count on the other boy when needed. Harry hoped Zack felt the same about him. He deserved a friend like that in his life.

 

“A bit of both maybe. Multitasking and all that, you know?”

 

“Seriously though…If there’s anything you need to get off your chest you know we can talk. Any time. I’ll even sacrifice my hot chocolate and let it get cold for you if you need a good long chat.” They both shared an unguarded look and Harry's mouth turned upwards even more.

 

“I appreciate that ultimate sacrifice but…I’m fine, really. I know I haven’t been particulary open and honest about what’s been going on with me these past few weeks but…things are better now. They’re good, actually.”

 

There was a brief pause and then…

 

“Because of James?” He was really glad he put down his cup a few moments ago. If he had been drinking, he was pretty sure he would have choked hearing that question.

 

“What?” It felt like all the moisture had left his mouth instantly.

 

“Don’t play dumb with me, mate. I saw him dropping you off here with his car.” Harry lowered his eyes, looking around the room for some sort of way to get off of this topic. “Dude…he opened the door for you. You kissed him on the cheek to say goodbye.” And yeah…yeah Harry had done that. It was a spur of the moment decision he had regretted almost immediately afterwards. If James hadn’t looked so flustered and happy about it. Now Harry just wanted to do it again to get that reaction once more and he really shouldn’t think about it that much but damn it…his cheek had been so warm and soft. He remembered his lips being even softer and -

 

“Aaaaand you’re totally thinking about kissing him right now.” Harry’s head snapped over so quickly towards Zack that he was pretty sure he almost tore a muscle.

 

“What? No, I’m not.” Yes, he was but the other boy really didn’t need to know that or he would never hear the end of it.

 

“Yes, you are.” He was about to deny it again but Zack looked almost disappointed that he was basically lying to him.

 

“Look, even if I was – and I’m not saying that I am – there’s nothing going on between me and James.” There. That was the truth. More or less, anyway.

 

“But…you want things to be going on. And so does he, obviously.” Harry could not believe they were still talking about this. His 17 year old closeted self would be very weirded out by talking about…dating guys with his best mate. The last part of Zack’s statement did peak his interest though and he simply could not help himself from asking…

 

“What do you mean…obviously?”

 

“The way he was looking at you. Like heart eyes in a freaking disney movie. Also when you were walking into the café he was totally staring at your ass and –“

 

“Okay, Zack! That’s enough.” Harry quickly shushed his friend, looking around hoping that no one was paying too much attention to them. Even though everybody else seemed to mind their own business he could clearly feel the blush high on his cheeks and down his neck.

 

“You’re welcome.” Was the only thing Zack said in return with a smug smile on his face. Harry huffed. Great. Now he was going to think about James’ eyes on his body for the entire day. That totally would not be distracting.

 

They fell into a more or less comfortable silence again and warmed their hands on their drinks. Zack was munching on a sugary frosted ginger bread man while he himself enjoyed his chocolatey christmas pudding cupcake. As Michael Bublé was playing in in the background, his phone laying next to him on the cushiony sofa lit up with a new message.

 

He put down the plate on the the low table infront of them and picked it up to open the notification. A smile quickly spread over his entire face

 

_-Bought some wine for this pasta dish im making tonight. Might have also picked up some extra mulled wine for dessert time afterwards.-_

He subconsciously bit his lip reading the rather domestic sounding message and already felt flushed when his mind wandered to something else reading the dessert part….

 

“Is he sexting you or something?” Shit. His face really must have given him away this time.

 

“What?! No.” Zack only raised his eyebrows at him in return.

 

“You know those heart eyes I was talking about? Yeah you totally had them too just now.”

 

Sighing and rubbing his temples Harry said “I shouldn’t even bother talking my way out of this, should I ?”

 

“No.” Zack answered with a pleased smile. “You shouldn’t. Because I really want a front row seat to see all of this unfold.”

 

He felt a strong urge to throw his cupcake in Zack’s face but decided his glare would have to do for now.


	3. Ste

Their relationship was on thin ice – once more. Harry could almost not tell they were even dating these days. Except for the relationship status on his facebook page…there was nothing really going on between them that would allude to them being together. Date nights? No chance. Ste was too busy worrying about his kids and the custody hearing. Harry felt like he had aged ten years every time Ste told another story in bed about changing nappies and trips to the zoo, reminiscing about the good old times. Ste said it helped him remind himself that others didn’t know him, that he was a good father at heart and that absolutely no one could take that away from him. Harry liked hearing about Leah and Lucas well enough…but obviously not when he was trying to get into Ste’s pants.

 

He couldn’t remember the last time they had been properly sexually intimate. Sure, some quick minutes with slick hands and mouths here and there but…the emphasis was definitely on quick here. It really didn’t help that the last person Harry had slept with was James. It drove Harry crazy. His mind kept going back to the night. Fingers and lips roaming his body, traces that he imagined still feeling on his skin now especially since Ste hadn’t put in any effort to make him forget. On top of that, James was in his sphere again, representing his boyfriend on a legal basis. So that meant not only Harry was still thinking about what had happened between them but so was Ste.

 

It was still a huge elephant in the room and he had to refrain himself from rolling his eyes too far whenever his boyfriend couldn’t help but make a snippy comment about his affair. Cold shoulders and silent treatments were what Harry had to tolerate for some cuddles in return when he got lucky. He did understand where Ste was coming from, of course he did, but Harry was tired of feeling constantly guilty. It wasn’t healthy for either of them. Harry had made a huge mistake, he’d cheated. He couldn’t turn back time and change that. The only way for their relationship now to flourish again was to move forward. It often seemed like Ste wasn’t really on board and feeling it all that much.

 

His boyfriend had come back home a couple of minutes ago, his hands stained an ugly orange from his latest fake tan business adventure. When he opened the door, the cold november air came in with him and so did the pissed off look on his face.

 

“Will you just tell me what’s going on ?” Harry felt like he could cut the tension in the room with a knife and he was so so tired of all of this. What was the point of anything if Ste wouldn’t even god damn talk to him? Was that too much to ask for?

 

“Don’t really have a lot to say.”, Ste murmured, scrubbing his hands in the kitchen sink. “Actually…I do but I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like it. And isn’t that my job as your boyfriend, Harry? To make you happy?” He roughly dried off with a dish towel and Harry furrowed his brow. He really did not want to deal with this passive aggressiveness right now.

 

“Where is this coming from?”, he asked with a sigh, crossing his arms.

 

“Oh I don’t know… I was just trying to enjoy my lunch break when a certain lawyer came by and decided that was the perfect opportunity to go through some more court documents. Because why enjoy some time off work and do that in the evening when he can just annoy me whenever he wants!? And I can’t even say anything against it because I’m now stuck with him as legal advice because of you!” Ste was clenching his hands furiously at his sides while his face started to turn redder and redder. Harry could now clearly trace the veins on his neck and forehead with his eyes.

 

“What do you want me to do, Ste? Apologize for getting a lawyer for you so you can win this case? Fine. I’m terribly sorry for caring about you, I guess.” He was getting angry himself now. He hadn’t done anything wrong. He should not be apologizing. However, these days he just did it so Ste’s temper tantrums would be over sooner rather than later.

 

His answer earned him an exaggerated eye roll in return.

 

“Yes, Harry, I’m forever grateful that you probably used your fluttery eye lashes and puppy dog eyes on the man you had an affair with. How could I possibly not be happy about that, right?.” His own mouth was now gaping open, trying to find something to say. He couldn’t believe their arguments kept coming back to this. They were going in circles and Harry was dizzy. “Considering your history with James, I wouldn’t be surprised if your eyes weren’t all you used to convince him.” …And how he dare he say that? All those last few weeks he had tried and tried to gain Ste’s trust back…for nothing? And now when he actually wanted to help Ste keep his kids he just got shit on again by him. Enough was enough. He would not let the other man treat him like dirt.

 

“Why would you say that? You know I only asked James because you needed the help. Don’t you dare accuse me of anything else. It’s not like there’s a line of other lawyers we know willing to work pro bono.”

 

“You were willing to exchange your body for goods and services last time, weren’t you? How am I supposed to know you two didn’t engage in another ‘business transaction’?” Harry felt his eyes start watering with angry tears.

 

“Why are we even having this conversation right now? Did you inhale too many fumes at the tanning salon or something?”

 

Ste heavily chlenched his jaw in return and grabbed his bag that he had hastily tossed on the floor upon entering the flat. After rummaging through it for a couple moments, he pulled out what looked like some sheets of paper in a transparent portfolio.

 

“Here. James told me to give this back to you”, he said in a low angry voice. “Why don’t you tell me what it is, hm, Harry?”, he continued while shoving the papers in his hands.

 

Harry only had to take one quick look at them to knew what they were and rolled his eyes instinctively afterwards. It was his English essay on criminal history in Great Britain for his uni course. He had put a lot of time and effort into it, even ended up being quite proud of his work, and then decided to ask James if he could proof read it before turning it in. The other man had agreed instantly. Harry admired how much James valued education. He knew the older man must have spent a good portion of his life studying into the late hours to be in the position he was now. He looked up to him for that.

 

There was a bright orange sticky note on the first paper.

 

_-Very good work. I only added a couple apostrophes and semicolons here and there, uni profs like pretentious stuff like that. Well done, clever boy.-_

 

His front teeth sunk into his upper lip, trying to hide a smile. But it was already too late when Ste cleared his throat.

 

“Oh, don’t mind me. Do continue daydreaming about your school boy and teacher fantasy or whatever else it is you two probably have got going on.”

 

“You know you’re being ridiculous, right? I asked James to help me with my homework…so what, Ste?” He didn’t want to argue anymore. He constantly felt like he was walking on egg shells around his boyfriend these days, just waiting for him to snap at something random again.

 

“Why didn’t you ask me?” And he really did not want to go down this road right now. Uni and education were difficult topics to discuss with Ste. The other boy had left school as soon as possible and Harry knew he often felt self conscious or inadequte about it. That in itself wasn’t the issue. The issue was Ste getting condescending every single time Harry talked about one of his courses, books and teachers. Like he wanted to make him feel shitty about it all.

 

“Please, you get annoyed at me whenever the faintest hint of academic work is even in the air.”

 

“You can just admit you think that I’m too stupid.”

 

“I didn’t say that! If you could just-“

 

“I’m too stupid to understand your homework, I was too stupid to realize that my boyfriend had cheated on me. I’m not too stupid to realize that James clearly has a thing for you.” Harry kept his mouth opened for several more seconds, trying to find the right words to reassure Ste that there was nothing to worry about. In the end, the room stayed silent and he took a deep breath before closing his mouth.

 

There was a distance of a couple of steps between them as Ste had walked backwards to the kitchen again after handing him his essay, like he couldn’t even stand being near him. Those few steps now suddenly made it seem like they couldn’t be further apart.

 

“I don’t know what you want me to say. I can’t control James’ feelings.”, he whispered out into the air between them.

 

Ste had refused to look him directly in the eyes these past few minutes, his chin pointing irritatedly away from him or towards his feet. Now he finally looked up and besides the obvious anger and sadness there was something else lingering in his gaze…defeat, almost.

 

He only shook his head and quickly pulled on his jacket again, heading towards the door.

 

“No, you can’t.”, he answered disappointedly. “And I can’t control yours either it seems.”

 


	4. Tessie

The early spring sun warmed his skin through his thin, light blue jacket. The wooden bench he was sitting on was still drenched in the shadows of the surrounding trees but otherwise finally again comfortable enough to sit on and no longer icy and frosty.

 

He had his laptop sat infront of him on his thighs, staring at the time and pacing nervously with his right foot. A couple of weeks ago his mom had tried to call him. He had been surprised and somewhat shocked but ultimately decided to ignore it. Except that she kept calling again and again and again. And when he had still refused to pick up, the text messages started. Just simple asks to call or write back when possible. And as each day went by, it became more and more obvious how desperate his mother was to talk to him. She started sending apologies along with her text, how she should have treated him better, should have tried to keep more in contact….how she should have been a better mother.

 

That last one particularly broke his heart a little bit. Of course Tessie and him had a strange relationship. They had never been particularly close. When he was still a child, she hadn’t been home a lot. Working many and odd hours to sustain their little family as a single mom, coming home stressed and tired while still trying to find some joy outside of being a parent by going out with friends and dates. He had an angry phase about it all once he started puberty. Slamming doors and interchangeably snapping at her or giving her the cold shoulder.

 

But he didn’t hate her. He couldn’t. He wasn’t sure if and how much he wanted her back in his life again but the thought of her blaming herself for everything after all these years made something in him crack and give in. He could understand her better now. The financial struggle, the desire and urge to choose a partner for one’s own happiness even if it meant temporarily hurting someone else who was close to you…even your family.

 

So he had texted her back two days ago and she had answered with relief and love. She hesitantly hinted that it would be nice to hear his voice again. Harry didn’t even know what came over him before he suggested having a skype chat with her.

 

And now he sat here, on this lonely secluded bench. It was a spur of the moment decision to do this outside. Or maybe it had something to do with the fact that he was so nervous he felt like he couldn’t breathe inside the out-of-the-way corner in a café he had originally planned to have this conversation in.

 

His hands were sweaty as the sound of the call came in and he clicked on the ‘accept' button. And then there she was. His mom. Sitting at a table with the background flooded in light shining through large windows. He immediately recognised it was not the flat he had grown up in.

 

“Harry”, she breathed out loudly. “It is so, so, so good to see you darling.” Her eyes were shiny and before he even noticed it, a tear had escaped his own eye and was rolling down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away with the back of his hand, hoping she would just choose to ignore it.

 

“Hey.”, he answered. He didn’t know what to call her. He felt weird about calling her Tessie and while he referred to her as his mother around other people there was still enough bitterness lingering inside of him that he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction and call her that to her face. Harry could be excellent at holding grudges.

 

“How are you?”, she continued with a smile on her face, undeterred by his short response.

 

And what followed next was about thirty minutes of them catching up. Talking about everything and nothing. School, work, people in their lives. Neither of them deliberately touched on the past and just enjoyed the sincerity of these moments.

 

“So…anything new and exciting going on Hollyoaks or same old,same old?” As he was about to answer he started hearing rustling and foot steps behind him. He instinctively turned around and there was…James?

 

“Harry.”, the older man announced his presence with a questioning look on his face. “What are you doing here?”

 

In the back of his mind he was aware that he was still live with his mom but….that thing that always happened when James was around was taking place. That part where he blended everything else out and solely focused on the other man, like the world around him disappeared.

 

“I…could ask you the same question I guess.” He turned his body away from the laptop so he could get a better look. They had slept together a week ago from today. When he looked at the way James’ jacket covered his shoulders and chest he still remembered running his tongue across his collar bones. Even though he was living back at the apartment with Leela and Ste again, he could remember how James’ bed felt whenever he lay down next to his boyfriend at night.

 

“Taking a walk. Nightingale senior is being an absolute nuisance at the Dog.” Harry raised his eyebrows. He hadn’t had the pleasure…or apparently displeasure of meeting James’ father.

 

There were a couple of seconds of awkward silence between them. Harry knew he had been cold towards him since the night they spend together but he feared that if he was anything else he would develop…actual feelings. And that totally couldn’t happen. Nope.

 

“Well…now I at least know where you get your personality from.”, Harry joked. Something darker cast over James’ face before he cracked a genuine smile in return.

 

“Anyway, I’d love to stay and chat but you already seem busy doing that sooo….” And with that Harry was torn out of his trance. There was this tiny part inside of him that wanted to immediately shut his laptop and beg James to stay just a bit linger or go with him.

 

“Oh.” He quickly turned his head towards the screen and while Tessie was being completely silent to let him finish the conversation, she also seemed to be watching with a curious look. He licked his dry lips and answered. “Right, yes. I’ll…see you around then.”

 

“Looking forward to it.” James winked back and continued his stroll along the greenery. Harry felt himself flush slightly at the gesture. He followed the view of his broad back for a couple more seconds before he heard his mother clear her throat.

 

Once he faced her again, she was looking back at him with a raised eyebrow.

 

“Was that your boyfriend?” His mouth fell open immediately. Why on earth would she assume that? Granted, he had told her he was gay a long while back and he had mentioned Ste in passing but…this was James they were talking about here.

 

“What?! No…I..why..why would you think tha- …what..what makes you say that?” She was pressing her lips together now as if trying not to laugh.

 

“I mean, you did mention your boyfriend being a bit older once if I remember correctly. And…just the way you were interacting. Flirting.”

 

“I..no..that, that wasn’t flirting.” At least he hadn’t intended it to be?….Or had he? He knew James had a naturally flirtatious aura around him whenever they were together but that didn’t mean anything. It was just…James riling him up. Teasing him.

 

“Well…I know what you might think. ‘What does my mom know about flirting’, right? But, there’s clearly something between you.”

 

And of course there was. He could easily lie to her either way. The secret of having had sex with James was keeping him awake most nights. There was the guilt, sure. But then there was also something else. Something that made him sweat and wake up horny and unsatisfied upon seeing Ste’s face when blinking his eyes open sleepily first thing in the morning. Which was then immediately followed by that guilty part again.

 

“You have good taste. He’s handsome.” She interrupted his thoughts. He breathed out in a small scoff, he did not expect he would be having this kind of talk with her today.

 

“Mom!”

 

“What? You know I’m right.” He rolled his eyes with a smile.

 

“….Does that also mean I’m right about him being your boyfriend?”

 

With an affectionate sigh he answered, “Will you believe me if I say no?”

 

“No.”, she said without a pause.

 

“Then what’s the point?”

 

“I think your lack of a clear answer is telling me enough.”

 

“What does _that_ mean?”

 

She pursed her lips into a smile and looked at him like she knew something about him that he didn’t even know himself.

 

“I think you’ll find out soon enough.”


	5. Marnie

It was hot. The heat of august had reached another peak. He was starting to sweat in his t-shirt as his forehead was probably already glistening. There was not much to do during summers in Hollyoaks, Harry had learned over the last few years. Things mostly stayed the same as usual, public places were now just more crowded with slightly bored, overheated teenagers.

 

So when his first term of uni had come to an end for the break, he decided instead of going to the coast and staying at a cheap hotel with Zack and some other mates, he’d stay. The timing to go on holiday was horrendous anyway. Ste’s trial was coming up very soon. He knew his boyfriend didn’t want him to waste his life away but he couldn’t just….lounge around in the sun and go swimming while the other boy was locked away. No matter what fights and difficulties they had gone through…it felt wrong.

 

So he had offered to help out at the Hutch again. It felt good, like old times. He was having a busy day, serving mostly ice cream sundaes in all variations as well as iced teas and milkshakes.

 

Clearing up his last table beforr his lunch break, he almost sighed at how good the icy glass of the now empty banana split dish felt in his hands. He brought everything back to the kitchen and tried to at least wash off the surface level of leftover whipped cream off of the dish. He turned on the faucet in the coldest way possible and let the water run over his fingers.

 

Just as he was drying off his hands – while also using the towel to dab away the sweat between his eyebrows and on his neck – Marnie came into the room. She was still helming the business and Harry couldn’t even be mad about it. The restaurant was packed full, she was doing an amazing job. He wished he could resent her for what she had tried to do to his dad but then again..he wasn’t completely innocent in all of that either.

 

It was kind of fascinating how wrapped up Harry’s life had gotten with James’ through the whole thing. The fake kidnapping might have been a disaster on many fronts and if anyone else was to judge the friendship and connection they shared, they’d probably call Harry crazy for liking James that much after all of it. He had been there for him constantly through the last couple of weeks. Not just regarding Ste’s trial on a lawyer basis. He just…had been very sweet with him. Checking up on him via texts, taking him out for a beer every now and again. He wished he could find a way to pay him back, to make him realize how grateful he really was. The least he could do was be civil towards his beloved mother.

 

“Ah, Harry. Everything okay?”, Marnie greeted him. He felt glad that he was apparently on her good side and that she had always been friendly with him. Crossing over onto Marnie Nightingale’s bad side was definitely not something that was on his check list.

 

“Yeah. Everything’s fine. Just taking my break now…if that’s okay?”

 

“Actually, if you have a minute I’d really like to talk to you.” He instinctively gripped the soft cotton in his hands tighter. What could she want to discuss with him? The two options in his mind were either Tony or his job position, both topics seemed like they could ruin his appetite quite frankly.

 

“…Sure.”, he answered hesitantly. “Do you want to…sit down or something?”, Harry continued while gesturing wildly and nervously towards the couple of bar stools standing in the corner of the kitchen.

 

“Thank you, but that’s not necessary.” There was a smile on her face and while he had definitely seen her be manipulative and fake, this one seemed real. Thinking about it, she had a lot in common with James. He didn’t know what he had done to deserve to see the softer sight of the Nightingale family but more and more often it turned out to be useful. He definitely could not complain about making some new acquaintances that were on his side.

 

“It will really only take a moment.” Marnie said, walking closer towards him, the friendly expression staying put. He still gulped heavily and imagined that even she could hear it. He knew that despite them not being mortal enemies, she must enjoy having him a bit intimidated.

 

“It’s about you and James.” …and that was…not what he had expected. Him and James. How much did she know about his history with her son?

 

“I’m not sure what you mean?”, he replied with a frown on his face. How much about his private life did James share at home? He knew he was close with his mother but…would he have told her more..explicit and intimate details about what the two of them had been up to all that time ago? It didn’t make any sense for her to bring it up now.

 

“Look, it is not like me to get involved in James’ personal life. He knows how to take care of himself. But…after the whole thing with John Paul I just want to make sure that he’s happy.”

 

Harry stared at her baffledly, didn’t know where she was going with this. As much as James and him were friendly these days, they did not spend their time sitting together dicussing eachother’s dating lives. He knew James disliked Ste. He knew John Paul had really messed James up. Those were the facts. Neither of them felt like talking about it further, it would only make things complicated.

 

“Um, sure. I mean, he seems fine to me.” She looked back at him, her mouth slightly opening and a questioning look starting to form on her face. As if Harry had just said something crazy. He was beginning to feel like it too.

 

Harry absentmindedly wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans and licked his lips, fumbling for a further answer.

 

“But you know, if there’s anything I can do for him, then…” he awkwardly explained, waving his hand as if searching for words. Marnie’s face didn’t change, if anything she stared back at him even more incredulously.

 

“All I need you to do for him is be a good boyfriend.” Suddenly it felt like all the air had left the room. If he was feeling hot before, he now imagined he was burning up. He could still smell the too sweet scent of a half cleaned strawberry milkshake glass sitting in the sink and kind of had the urge to throw up.

 

“And don’t get me wrong, I do think you already have that down. He does seem happier again.” He couldn’t speak, literally could not get a word out.

 

“Just know that I **will** ruin you if you end up hurting him.” He understood the sincerity and protectiveness in her voice but all of this was so _so_ wrong. All of this was _wrong_ , god damn it!

 

“Marnie, I..I think t-there’s a misunderstanding.”, he managed to stutter out. His tongue still felt like it wouldn’t obey him.

 

“Really?”, she raised her eyebrow. “I think I’ve made myself quite clear, haven’t I?”

 

“No.. I mean, yes, but…that’s not what I..James and I aren’t dating.”, Harry blurted out.

 

Both her eyebrows now surged up even higher, her eyes widening almost comically.

 

“Are you sure about that?”, she questioned him.

 

He could only nod dumbly in return.

 

“Hm.”, she said – almost as if she was speaking to herself. Pursing her lips and now side eyeing him, stepping to the right and even closer to him. Harry suddenly like felt like he was being circled by a scavenger.

 

“Interesting. It’s just that he constantly smiles at his phone after you send him a message. And that you two hang out at the bar all the time. And that I once came over when you were at his flat – presumably to discuss Ste Hay’s case- and you had fallen asleep on his shoulder. And that you’re always staring at eachother across the room..”

 

Harry couldn’t look at her any longer. He lowered his eyes and thought about the interaction he and James had shared just a couple days ago. When he had grabbed his arm and mentioned the night they had spent together. That one touch of James’ fingers on his naked skin made him relive every single one of their memories. He couldn’t bear it. It was overwhelming. James..overwhelmed him. It was like Harry was consumed by him. It was intense and he didn’t trust himself around the older man. Even just in that moment, out in bright daylight and very much public, Harry wanted to throw his arms around his neck and kiss him senseless. Instead.. he bolted.

 

“But I see. You’re not dating.” He looked up at her again and her smile now looked like it held all the secrets in the universe.

 

“My mistake. How stupid of me.”, Marnie said before turning around to leave, her lips turning upwards even more. “Enjoy your break.”, she continued one last time without looking back and walking out of the kitchen.

 

His own mouth was still opening and closing like a fish underwater. It felt like he just experienced a shock to his entire system, like the world around him had shifted and just completely thrown him off guard.

 

“Fucking Nightingales”, he said out loud before he even realised it.


	6. Harry

He was still shaking as he sat down on James’ sofa. He couldn’t make himself stop, it’s like he had no control over his body. His mind was a whirlwind as well, so many thoughts swirling around in his head that he felt like his brain was buzzing. His eyes were still watering and burning and there was a sickness forming in his stomach that he couldn’t get rid off.

 

“Harry” He heard his name being called, but he couldn’t stop staring straight ahead. He felt like if he moved or reacted in any way he would surely throw up.

 

“Harry, hey.” And then there was the rescuing touch on his shoulder that made him snap out of it. His eyes flitted over to James just as the other man was sitting down next to him. Their knees touched slightly and it was another sensation that grounded him again.

 

“You need to calm down.”, he continued in a soft yet firm voice , slowly and soothingly rubbing his thumb along his shoulder blade. Harry’s eyes fell down to the movement and he watched mesmerizedly as the finger glid over his thin button down shirt and he could feel the warmth radiating through it. “I’m worried you’re gonna have a panic attack so I need you to breathe with me, okay?”

 

They had been discussing the case for the past hour. They had been…had been…choosing who to _frame_. Going over various possible suspects. Mercedes Mcqueen. DS Armstrong. Ryan. Harry practically felt himself getting paler and paler with every name that got dropped. He would never be able to wash off this guilt. But he was also so scared. The thought of going to prison scared him to death. And sending Ste, an innocent person in this situation, down for what he had done made him want to cry and never stop. No one else should pay for what he had done, the crime he had committed.

 

He had been so close to confessing until James had shown up at his doorstep, dragging him outside and then back here. Harry still felt like he was drowning in all of it, all the lies and cover ups, but he couldn’t stop now. He was still shocked that the older man had helped him since the very beginning, getting rid of evidence for him, risking his career….It felt like Harry had dragged James under the water with him, like they were stuck together in these moments now, swimming and fighting hand in hand against the crushing waves.

 

“That’s it. In and out. Keep going.”, James praised him, his gentle caress never stopping. “You’re doing great.” He finally felt his breathing start to even out as he copied the older man’s technique and rhythm. His shaking started to subside and he was left with sickly sweaty palms.

 

“Better now?” And Harry felt well enough to lift his head and look at James. There was concern written all over his face, his eyes pretty much overflowing with it. A lump formed in his throat for a completely different reason this time.

 

“Yeah”, his voice still sounded too choked up for his own liking. He really didn’t want to start the waterworks right now. But the way the other man was looking at him made something inside of him bubble up. “Thank you”, he added quietly.

 

“You’re very welcome.” As if now just realising that he had been touching Harry through all of this, James stared at his own hand and ceased the calming movement completely. He was probably just about to pull away for good when Harry tensed under his fingertips. He wanted the older man near him, wanted to …feel him. To be near him. And James being James just seemed to be able to read Harry and his body perfectly as he left his hand where it was and patted him slightly on the back.

 

“Listen, Harry. I know this is difficult but…you should know that I don’t regret doing this for you.” Their eyes met and Harry had the urge to take in another deep gulp of air based alone on how much emotion he saw shining back at him. God this man…this man who stole his breath and made his stomach tingle every time they so much as were in the same room.

 

“I just... _really_ need you to know that.” Harry subconsciously moved slightly closer towards James, their ankles now pressing together as well. He felt safe around him and it was not something he was ready to give up.

 

 _Why?_ He wanted to ask again. _Why are you helping me? Why do you care?_ He wasn’t sure what James’ answer would be. He also wasn’t sure if he could handle the truth, the one that has been encompassing and lingering under the surface of every interaction they shared.

 

“I do.”, he answered in the end. He couldn’t understand why James would risk this much for him but it was obvious he did it out of his own free will. He didn’t regret it. And the thought that the other man would go this far to protect him both terrified and excited him.

 

Their quiet moment was interrupted by Harry’s phone going crazy on the coffee table infront of them with incoming messages. His dad had tried to call him several times since the two of them had just taken off. It looked like he wasn’t giving up. He felt bad about just leaving him hanging like that but even the thought of having to keep it together around him round now made him tired.

 

“I should probably text my dad back. Or even…go back home.”

 

“Do you want to..go home?” Harry looked at the way that their bodies were touching and how they seemed to fit perfectly together. James’ larger frame sheltering his.

 

“Because if you don’t, you don’t have to. You can stay here.” He was about to deny it right away. He should really, _really_ go back. But he also really, _really_ didn’t want to. The older man’s proximity was addicting over and over again. Every other time Harry might have felt bad about giving in but..not tonight.

“I want to stay here.” The ' _with you'_ got left unsaid. He hoped James saw it in his eyes anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it. The last chapter of this little journey.  
> The feedback to this has been absolutely amazing and inspiring.  
> I can't thank you enough. 
> 
> Until next time!

**Author's Note:**

> Hope everyone enjoyed it, if you did...I always appreciate your kudos and comments.  
> I'm currently planning on posting one chapter every single day because the majority of this is already written. Let's see if I can stick to it.


End file.
